Tales > Masquerade Mischief, Part I

It was the morning before the Christmas holidays began for the students of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Remus Lupin, having woken up at 6:00 AM and not being able to go back to sleep, retreated to a red velvet sofa in the Gryffindor common room to wait for his friends. There he sat, pouring over A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens, a book that his Muggle grandmother had sent him as a present.

At 9:30, by which Remus had long been finished with his book, two of the three remaining pranksters could finally be seen rubbing their tired but bright eyes at the top of the stair. Shaking his head but smiling all the same, Remus stood to greet his friends at the foot of the spiral staircase.

"'Bout time," he said. "I've been waiting for---" Remus checked his watch. "---three and a half hours for you sleepyheads to get up."

"Sorry, mate," Sirius said, stealing an evil glance at James. "You know how long it takes to wake up Prongs when he's dreaming about Lils."

James took a swing at Sirius's head, but the Marauder ducked just in time.

Taking a quick look over their shoulders, Remus asked, "Where's Peter?"

Sirius and James shrugged as they turned.

"Haven't seen him since last night, have you?" Remus asked.

"Nope," James said.

"Probably still in bed," Sirius suggested.

James grinned as he turned to Sirius. Sirius grinned back as they turned to a frightened-looking Remus.

"No!" Remus said. "No! No! No! Did you hear me?"

Sirius nudged James in the stomach as he mumbled, "Knowing Padfoot, you more than likely need to repeat it."

"I'm not doing it again!"

"Oh pleeeeease, Moony? Pretty, pretty please? You know how scared Wormtail gets when you transform. " Sirius pleaded.

"NO!" Remus practically screamed in their ears.

"Ow! Moony!" James put a hand to his ear. "Never knew you to be the one to raise your voice like that."

"Except for that one time when McGonagall---"

"Don't mention that, Padfoot. Ever." Remus put a hand up to stop him from saying anything else.

"Anyways, back to the point!" Sirius said hurriedly as a grin started to creep up on him again. "Moooony."

Remus let the tiniest whimper escape him.

"You know what we want," Sirius faked a calming voice as he and James edged away to guard the painting of the Fat Lady: the only known exit from the common room. "Remember how painless it was last time---"

"I woke up half of Hogwarts and I was blushing scarlet for a whole week!" Remus said.

James and Sirius gave the irresistible puppy-face look. They gave each other wide smiles when Remus admitted defeat.

It was Remus's turn to beg now.

"Come on!" he said sadly as he was led back to the staircase leading to the boys' dormitory. "It's almost Christmas! Can't I be left in peace for the holidays?"

"Sorry, Moony," James said.

"No can do," Sirius finished for him.

Remus gave a long suffering sigh as they reeled him into the dorm.

"Besides," Sirius whispered now, "all of Gryffindor's gone. No one will ever know."

"Yes, but 'painless' isn't exactly the word for---"

"Shhh!" James put a finger to his lips as he crept over to his bed to rummage through the heightening pile of clothes and garbage that lay beside it.

"Quite the slob, aren't you?" Sirius smiled.

"And proud of it." James walked back, silver handcuffs in hand, glaring at his friend.

"Alright," Sirius said, eyes scanning the room. "Where to put you?"

Remus sighed once more. "Well, if I have to go through with this idiotic plan of yours, I may as well put the perfecting touches on it."

"Glad you're seeing things our way for once, Moony." Sirius and James gave Remus a pat on the back.

"For once," Remus said, chuckling at himself for the nonsense he was taking part in. "You'll want to put me somewhere where Peter won't find me, at least not until the joke has settled in."

"Oh, well that was obvious!" James said.

"Which is why you needed my help! You two can't even see what's right in front of your noses! It's pitiful, really."

"Hmmm," Sirius began to contemplate on Remus's words. "Wonder why nobody ever thought of trying to see what's behind their noses?"

"Maybe," James pointed out, "you're the only one stupid enough to think of it!"

"You did not," Sirius looked highly affronted. "I know you did not just call me---" Sirius's eyes lit up. "---the 's' word."

"Sensitive, are we?" James tried in vain to sound like he was just playing.

Remus decided to seize this chance to sneak out, but as soon as he turned his back---

"No you don't!" Sirius jumped in front of the doorway, blocking Remus's only chance of escape again. "Didn't think it was going to be that easy for you, did you?"

"I don't know," Remus said. "You know how awfully distracted you and James get when you argue."

"We weren't arguing!" Sirius said.

"Ah, but I could see it coming." Remus smiled. "Common sense would have told me to stay where I was until you two got really heated at each other. Something that Prongs might have a smidgeon of, but something that you have negative one thousand of."

"If this is your idea of humor, Moony---"

"Humor? I don't hear anyone laughing---"

There came a giggle from Peter's bed. "Ha ha ha. Pretty horsy!"

There was a moment of silence in which the Marauders exchanged odd looks.

"Anyways," James said at length. "We were talking about where we're going to hide you."

"Your pile of rubbish over there would probably suffice." Remus nodded towards the anything but spotless bit of floor around James's bed.

James and Sirius nodded approvingly as they guided Remus over to it.

"What? What?" Remus said, shocked. "You're not seriously thinking of sticking me in that, are you? I---I was only joki---"

"It was your brilliant idea, Moony," Sirius said.

Bravo! Moony scores! Remus thought sarcastically. In he goes with the Living Pile of Whatnot Beside Potter's Bed to perhaps never see the light of day again! At least not on the account of these two prats.

James began digging a hole in his pile of junk. When he was finished, he backed Remus up into it.

"If I ever get out of this, I might have to make the rest of your already miserable lives into a nightmare," Remus threatened, his last attempt to change their minds.

"Nice try," James said as he leaned over the pile to clasp the handcuffs onto Remus's wrists. After doing so, he and Sirius ducked on the other side of the bed, covering their ears.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" Remus howled, the silver burning his skin.

Peter almost literally jumped out of his skin. He hopped up to his feet, screaming to the top of his lungs, only to tumble off the bed due to his silken slippery sheets which he was tangled in, making him look like a spider's next meal as he lay, shaking like a leaf in a strong blast of wind, on the floor beside his bed.

James and Sirius, trying in vain to stifle their laughter, climbed over Peter's bed and, on the count of three, grabbed part of Peter's sheet and quickly unrolled him from it.

Now that they could see Peter, tear-stained face and scared-beyond-all-reason expression, they burst into laughter.

"I always told you that you screamed like Lily, Peter!" Sirius said, panting from the laughter.

Even though James aimed true at Sirius's head this time, he had to admit that Peter's scream had perfectly mimicked that of his girlfriend's.

Then, it suddenly hit them.

"Hold on a second," James said. "Where's Remus?"

Sirius immediately lunged at the pile where they had buried Remus. Alive, as a matter of fact.

James rushed over to help his friend move the clothes and odds and ends from the pile. And there he was, no serious damage done, but he was breathing heavily and coughing here and there.

"Never---ever---again," he managed to finally say as he held out his hands to be released. "It smells like something died in here!"

"Something probably did," Sirius said after taking a whiff of the pile while James removed the silver handcuffs, mild burn marks where they had been on Remus.

Peter, not having fully recovered from the prank, walked over to the pile, still trembling.

"Th---Th---That w-wasn't f-funny, you guys," he stuttered.

"Are you kidding, Wormtail?" Sirius began laughing again. "That was a riot!"

"For you maybe," Remus said quietly but angrily, gingerly rubbed his sore wrists as he stood.

"Aw, poor Moony," Sirius said. "Didn't get to see us execute our little prank, did he?"

"And we couldn't have done it without him," James added.

"Well, you're going to have to start finding ways to do it without me!" Remus exclaimed. "Because I am never putting those on again!" He indicated the handcuffs that had been tossed back into James's junk pile. "And I am absolutely never going back into that again!" He brandished a finger at the pile.

There was a moment of silence before Sirius, as usual, broke it.

"Sure, Moony," he said. "That's what you said last time, too."

"Well . . . ." For once, Remus was temporarily at a loss for words. " . . . I really mean it this time!"

Sirius was still unconvinced but decided to let it go when Peter spoke up.

"I'm hungry!" he complained. "Let's go down to the Great Hall before breakfast is over!"

"Alright, alright," James said. "Let's all go get dressed then. You can wait for us in the common room since you've already changed, Moony."

But then they each realized that Remus had already left.

After Sirius and Peter had dressed, they had to, as was normal, wait on James, who was now in front of his mirror, fighting his untamable hair.

"You know that you're only making things worse for yourself, Prongs."

"Shut up, Sirius. And try to be serious, for a change." James grinned, finally laying down his brush.

"Do not use the other 's' word in front of me!"

They ran back down the stairs to see Remus sitting, slumped back, in an armchair.

"Don't tell me that howling took that much energy out of you?" James said.

"No. No, it's just---" Remus pointed to the news board in the far corner.

James, Sirius, and Peter hurried over to it to see a bright yellow poster pinned onto the board that read,

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Christmas Masquerade

Friday, December 14 from 6pm-9pm

Dress robes and mask required.

Draco Dormiens nunquam titillandus

"Oh . . . ," Sirius said, slightly in shock.

"Well, it doesn't sound that bad," James said at length.

"Easy for you to say," Remus said. "You've got Lily."

"What? What are we talking about?" Peter asked.

"Read the poster, for crying out loud!" Sirius, who was often the one most frustrated with Peter, practically shoved Peter's face into the news board.

"It's not the date factor that's worrying me," Sirius continued. "It's the dress robes."

"But you have dress robes, Padfoot. Need I remind you?"

"I detest those horrible rags though!"

"Wow," Remus thought he'd have a bit of a laugh in the face of the doom awaiting them. "You've really expanded your vocabulary, Padfoot."

"Moony?"

"Yes, Sirius?"

"Shut it."

"Well, there's no point in moping about it, is there?" James said.

"Might as well go and get it over with," Remus admitted.

Silence.

Sirius began laughing. "Are we joking ourselves or what?"

All eyes turned towards Sirius.

"The masquerade will be swarming with people! It'll be the perfect prank-fest!"

"That's looking on the bright side of things," Remus said sarcastically.

Sirius ignored the comment. "Plus, we'll be wearing masks!"

"Oh. That'll really hide us!" It was James's turn to be sarcastic.

"But they never said we couldn't use magic to alter our appearances, now did they?"

"I don't like where this is going," Remus said as James and Sirius grinned from ear to ear. "Not the Polyjuice Potion!"

Sirius and James nodded.

"But---But it won't even work! The party lasts for three hours!"

"All will succeed if we put a bit in a flask for each of us to drink every hour," Sirius pointed out.

Remus sighed. "Who are we changing into?"

"Snivellus," James said.

"Malfoy," Sirius added.

"And who else?"

"Oh, you can go as yourself, Moony."

Remus looked quizzical. "So what's the master plan for after you change into Snape and Malfoy?"

"We prank our pranks," said James, "and when we get caught, we basically frame Snivellus and Malfoy."

"What about Lily and me?"

"And me!" Peter blurted out.

"All three of you will accompany us!" Sirius said. "Tonight, we're killing the reputation of Hogwarts two most greasy---"

"Infamous---" James added onto the list.

"---slimeballs!"

"Ah, so your goal is to make them the laughing stock of Slytherin?"

"Bingo!" Sirius and James exclaimed happily.

"Everyone knows they don't hang out with Muggle-borns and Marauders!"

"But I've discovered a flaw in your plan!" A satisfied smile spread across Remus's face. "How do I explain your absence from the masquerade?"

To Remus's horror, Sirius's and James's grins never faded.

"Either stop grinning like the Chesire cat or get on with it!"

"You, my friend," Sirius said, "and dear Peter are going to go to the masquerade as me and Prongs."

Remus shook his head enthusiastically. "This is getting way too far over all of our heads! How do you suppose you're going to explain mine and Peter's absences?"

"Sick," James said, obviously expecting the question. "Everyone knows that the bars and dementors of Azkaban couldn't keep me and Padfoot away, but since everyone knows you're illness-prone---"

"---at least once every month, anyways," Sirius butted in.

"---and Peter's accident-prone---"

Sirius grinned as he knew he'd been the cause of most of Peter's "accidents".

"---you two can substitute as Sirius and me."

"You still know that we won't be able to pull off your personalities for long, especially Peter."

"Yes, well, you can't do a considerable amount of damage to our reputations," Sirius said.

James opened his mouth to speak but Remus attempted to say it for him. "At least not as much damage as you've already done yourselves?"

"Not quite, Moony," James said as he glared at him but then smiled again. "At least not as much damage as we're going to do to the reputations of Snivellus and Malfoy."

Remus exhaled deeply. "For the sake of mischief, I'll go through with it. Not that I have a choice in the matter."

"Of course you have a choice!" James said.

"Prongs, do you know the definition of choice?"

James was silent.

"Just as I thought. Let's go eat now," Remus said as a stampede of Gryffindors came rushing into the common room to gather their class materials.

Peter folded his arms disappointedly. "You owe me a meal."

Sirius grabbed a waxed apple from a table and dropped it in Peter's lap. "Debt repaid," he said and hurried through the Fat Lady's portrait after his friends, eagerly awaiting the beep of his watch at six o'clock.