Tales > Cheesy Pick-up Lines and How Not to Use Them

James Potter's Guide to Cheesy Pick-up Lines and How Not to Use Them

As Recorded by Remus Lupin, Lark Faye, Lia Smith, and Sirius Black

With help from Tiger Lily21 and Silver Pheonix2

Disclaimer: None of these characters-except Lark and Lia, of course-belong to us. The pick up lines (for the most part) aren't ours either. The characters belong to J.K. Rowling and the pick up lines belong to the internet. Thank you.

(Author's notes: Okay, Hi. Er, this is just a little something my sister and I wrote, we think it's hilarious anyways. Erm, feel free to MST, if you're not too busy, you don't' have too may of those up on your site and I find them really funny so...yea! *bounces off to find sugar*)

Chapter One: Can I Borrow Your Owl?

James Potter was not generally an obsessive person. In fact, there were only two things in his life that he could be said to have been obsessed with. One of them was Quidditch. The other was Lily Evans, who, as we all know, eventually did give in and marry him. But that comes much, much after this story. In this story, James had been having no luck getting the lovely Miss Evans to even look at him and he was feeling rather depressed. That was when he came to us for help.

It all started one day in the middle of our sixth year, just after Christmas break. McGonagall had already given us homework and we were all working on the long and, frankly, quite boring essay when James sighed.

"I asked her out again today," he said.

Neither Sirius nor I had to ask who "her" was. There was only one girl James would ask out more than once and that was Lily Evans. Sirius set down his quill. I kept writing.

"Did it work?" he asked, as if we didn't already know the answer.

"No," sighed James. "I just don't get it! Why won't she go out with me? I've tried everything!"

Sirius thumped him on the back. "What you need, mate, is a really, really, really good pickup line. I mean, like one she can't resist. And lucky for you, I, Sirius Black, am the master of good pickup lines and I will help you out for just.oh, let me see, a Galleon each. No refunds, returns, or exchanges."

I laughed then and set down my quill, feeling that I had to stop James from doing this before he embarrassed himself. Again. "James," I said, "you don't need a pickup line. Why not just be yourself instead of trying to act cool in front of her?"

James and Sirius snorted at the same time. I always wondered how they did that. I guess it comes with being best friends.

"Remus," said Sirius in the sympathetic tone of voice I had come to dread hearing, "you may be smart but you know nothing about girls."

I was indignant. "I might remind you that I'm the only one of the four of us who has a girlfriend."

Sirius snorted again. He was beginning to sound like a pig. "Yes, but Lark is, uh, well, no offense, but uh, she's crazy over you. She's been head over heels for you since first year! You two are an exception. Most girls won't have anything to do with a guy unless he uses a good pickup line."

"Yes, and Lia really warms up to you when you use those things on her," I said sarcastically.

Lia Smith was Sirius's obsession. Well, one of them. He had a lot more than James did. But we won't get into that. Just then, Lia walked into the common room. She was a short girl with rust colored hair and mischievous gray eyes. She could also kick very hard and knew lots of good hexes. In addition to all of that, she was Lily's best friend. Right now, though, Lily wasn't with her. Sirius stood up, smoothing his hair and trying to look as good as he could.

"I'll show you what I mean," he whispered to James. "Watch this."

He walked over to Lia and knelt in front of her. I had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing at what he said next.

"Lia," he began, taking her hands in his, "my love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in."

Lia, unlike me, did not bother restraining her hilarity at that statement. She pulled her hands out of his and laughed so hard she snorted. (There was a lot of snorting going on that day, now that I think about it.)

"That is your worst one yet!" she gasped between laughs. All of a sudden her eyes grew wide and she stopped laughing. "Wait a second.did you just call me a toilet?"

She walked off before Sirius could answer. He remained there on the floor for a moment as if in shock. Then he stood up, stuck his hands in his pockets, and walked back over to us. When he sat back down he said, "I've got better ones."

It was my turn to snort. James looked at him skeptically. "Are you sure?" he asked.

"Positive," said Sirius. "I'll give you one for free." He leaned over and whispered something in James's ear. James grinned.

"I'll try it," he said, brightening for the first time that day. "I'll try it!" He looked at Lia, who was just starting to walk up the stairs. "Hey Lia! Where's Lily?"

"In the Owlrey," said Lia, "but don't go bothering her in there. She's writing to her parents."

"Thanks, Lia!" said James before she finished and dashed out of the room. Not wanting to miss the fun, Sirius and I ran after him.

Sure enough, Lily was in the Owlrey. She was just attaching her letter to her owl's leg when James burst in, Sirius and I close behind him.

"Lily, wait!" James said. "I need to ask you something."

Lily glowered at him. "What?"

James looked down at the floor for a second, as if trying to decide whether or not he should kneel. Considering that the floor was covered in owl droppings, I think he made the right choice to just stand there. He did take her hand, though, as he said, "Lily, I need to borrow your owl."

Lily's facial expression didn't change. "Why?" she asked. "Don't you have your own owl?"

James hadn't been expecting this. "Uh, yeah, but, uh, he broke his nose so, um, I need to borrow your owl so I can send a letter to my mum and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams."

Lily raised an eyebrow. "I'm so happy for you. Who?"

"You," said James.

Lily wrenched her hand out of his, finished tying the letter to the owl's leg, and pushed it out the window. Then she turned on her heel and walked to the door. As she was going out she turned back and looked at James. "Oh, Potter?"

"Yes?" asked James, his face hopeful.

"Owls don't have noses. They have beaks." Then she left.