Fiction Contest > September/October 2003: Mayhem with the Marauders

Robyn: Well, we got several interesting entries for this off the wall contest, but we liked this one the best. Probably because it was the most insane. ^^ I'll restate the rules, and then you can read the contest winner!

  • As this is a Marauder-themed site, the story is to be set in the 1970s, aka Marauder-era.
  • Trogdor the Burninator must make a cameo appearance. [If you don't know who this is, please visit HomeStarRunner.com and read the StrongBad email about dragons.]
  • Someone must come out of a closet. [Take this as you want.]
  • At least three characters must break into choreographed song and dance, song of your choosing.
  • Someone must say, "But she was 12 when she did that!"
  • and lastly, a pineapple has to be central to the story.

"I wiiiiiiiiiiiil suuuurviiiiiiiiiiive!!!!!! I wiiiiiiiiiiiil suuuurviiiiiiiiiiive!!!!!!"

James covered his ears, trying to shut out the horrible singing the person known as Sirius Black was attempting.

"Geez, Padfoot, I'll be surprised if the whole muggle world doesn't hear you!" James tried shouting over the obnoxious singing. The singing just grew louder. James sighed irritably as he tried to finish his potions work. He cringed as the singing drew closer, then all of the sudden stopped.

"What's Ickle Jamiekins doing now?" the black haired boy looked over his shoulder.

"Shut up..." James replied, before realizing his potion essay was taken away.

"Hmm...the powers of the all mighty pineapple?! THIS is what that slimy git of a Potions Master gave you for 'extra credit'?!" Sirius asked, eyes boggling.

"Who ever said Professor Oban was normal?"

"Being normal is overrated, mate," James looked over and saw Lily Evans looking at something. He went over and tapped her on the shoulder. "Hello, my Lily dearest!"

Lily turned to him and made a face. "Oh. It's you."

"You make it seem like you don't want to see me," James pouted. He then looked over Lily's shoulder. "What's th-"

Before he could get a good look, Lily took the object away. James only saw yellow, brown, and green. "It's nothing! Come on! Let's get dinner!" James and Sirius cocked an eyebrow at her before following her out of the Gryffindor Common Room.

"Hey, Lilykins, have you ever heard of the 'All Mighty Pineapple'?" Sirius asked the red head. Lily froze when she was looking for Remus and Peter.

"N-not at all! What are you, eleven-year-olds or something? The Almighty Pineapple! HA! Oh, look, there's Remus and Peter!" Lily quickly dragged James and Sirius over to the other two Marauders. Again, the two Marauders gave her quizzical looks before sitting at the table. Here's what the arrangement was like: Remus & Peter, Sirius, Lily & James.

"What's up?" Sirius asked them. Remus and Peter looked at him strangely.

"The magical enchanted ceiling..." Peter answered.

"Are you okay, mate?" Remus asked, "Do you have a fever or something?"

Sirius slapped his forehead. "Nvm."

"Nvm?" Lily and James asked, looking at him strangely.

"It means 'nevermind'," Sirius told them.

"Oh."

"Anywho, you ready for our big performance?" Sirius asked the other three.

"I dunno..." Remus muttered uncertainly. Lily looked from one Marauder to the next.

"What are you talking about?" Lily asked.

"You'll see, Lilykins, you'll see," Sirius told her with a dashing smile.

"That means trouble when you have that smile...And how many times do I have to say don't call me Lilykins?!"

"One time more, Lilykins."

"Shut up."

"I'm flattered."

"Are we going to do it? If we wait another minute, I'm going out of here!" Peter interrupted.

"Ready?" James asked. They all nodded. Sirius stood up on the table, hands cupped around his mouth.

"Ladies and gentleman!" the whole Great Hall turned silent, turning towards Sirius. Some Ravenclaw girls giggled and blushed when Sirius winked at them. "I would like to tell you that me and my fellow mates, that's James, Remus, and Peter for those who don't know, will put on a stunning performance! Come on up here, mates! We'll be singing ‘The Anthem’ by Good Charlotte!"

James jumped up onto the table, while Remus and Peter went up with their faces red.

"One, two, a one, two, ready, go!" James started. A rock beat came on as the three Gryffindors started dancing.

James: It's a new day But it all feels old It's a good life, That's what I'm told But everything, it all just feels the same

James does some crazy moves while singing this.

Sirius: At my high school It felt more to me Like a jail cell, a penitentiary My time spent there, it only made me see

Sirius points to the teachers, as if accusing them for making him have detention all the time. Remus: That I don't ever wanna be like you *points to the Hufflepuffs* Peter: I don't wanna do the things you do *points to the Ravenclaws* James: I'm never gonna hear the words you say *points to the Slytherins* Sirius: And I don't ever wanna,

All: I don't ever wanna be You *points to Lucius Malfoy* Don't wanna be just like you *points to the Slytherins* What I'm sayin' is This is the anthem Throw all your hands up *hands go up in the air* You *points to Lucius again* Don't wanna be you

Remus: "Go to college, A university Get a real job" That's what they said to me But I could never live the way they want

Remus basically does nothing, but then Sirius and James grab his arms and swing him around.

Peter: I'm gonna get by And just do my time Out of step while They all get in line I'm just a minor threat so pay no mind

Peter tries to stay in step with the tune, but messes up and falls down onto the table while the Marauders got in line.

James: Do you really wanna be like them? *points to the Hufflepuffs* Sirius: Do you really wanna be another trend? *points to the Ravenclaws* Remus: Do you wanna be part of their crowd? *points to the Slytherins* Peter: Cause I don't ever wanna

All: I don't ever wanna be You *points to Snape* Don't wanna be just like you *points to the teachers* What I'm sayin' is This is the anthem Throw all your hands up *hands go in the air* You *points to Snape* Don't wanna be you

James and Remus: Shake it once, that's fine *they twist once down, then twist once up* Sirius and Peter: Shake it twice, that's okay *they twist twice down, then twice up* All: Shake it three times, you're playin with yourself again *they end up going in circles three times* You *Remus points to the teachers, James points to Snape, Sirius points to Lucius* Don't wanna be just like you *they jab their fingers at the people* What I'm sayin' is This is the anthem Throw all your hands up *throws hands up* Ya'll got to feel me, sing if you're with me You *Remus points to the teachers, James points to Snape, Sirius points to Lucius* Don't wanna be just like you (just like you) *they jab their fingers at the people* This is the anthem Throw all your hands up *throws hands up* Ya'll got to feel me, sing if you're with me James: Another loser anthem (Whoa-oh) *hands go up on Whoa-oh* Sirius: Another loser anthem (Whoa-oh) *hands go up on Whoa-oh* Remus: Another loser anthem (Whoa-oh) *hands go up on Whoa-oh* Peter: Another loser anthem!

The song ended after a few more beats. The Great Hall burst into cheers, except for the Slytherins of course, since they were insulted when they pointed towards them.

Dumbledore smiled with a twinkle in his blue eyes. "I thank Mr. Potter, Mr. Black, Mr. Pettigrew, and Mr. Lupin for the wonderful entertainment," he told them. "But I think many of us still have to finish up our meals. Thank you."

They all gave gracious bows. "Anytime, Professor Dumbledore!" Sirius and James chorused at the same time. They then jumped off the table and sat down.

"Where'd Lily go?" James asked, noticing the absence of a certain red head.

"I dunno...maybe she was sick and accidentally ran into the boys bathroom?" Sirius asked, snickering at the memory.

"But...But she was TWELVE when she did that!" Remus reminded him. Sirius shrugged.

"You never know with that girl, mate."

"What if she's snogging some boy in a closet?" Peter asked them as they walked to their next class, Potions. The horror of Potions class, the HOOOOROOOOR! Okay, cue the evil effect. Anywho...

The other three froze. "Bad...mental...image..." the all said at the same time.

All of the sudden, a closet opened and (GASP!) out came Lily Evans.

"L-lily!!!" James stammered. "W-were you snogging somebody?!"

Lily glared at them with her emerald eyes. "No, I wasn't, for your information. It seems that Peeves stole one of my items and he locked me into a closet," She replied smoothly.

The Marauder's gave her blank looks. Lily sighed. "Nevermind. Will you please tell Professor," Lily wrinkled her nose. "Oban, that I don't feel well and I'm going to the Hospital Wing?"

"Sure..." Peter replied enthusiastically for some strange reason.

"Whatever you say..." James told her, an eyebrow raised in suspicion.

"Don't you think Lily has been acting...strange?" Remus asked.

"She always acts strange, you know that, Moony," Sirius replied.

"Okay, stranger then usual, does that work all-mighty Padfoot?"

"Much better,"

James cleared his throat. "We need to find out about what's wrong with Lily...And if Professor Old Bitchy Hag really wants me to do that "All-Mighty Pineapple" assignment..."

"WAHAHAHA!!!!!" a voice cackled. "Now that I have the "All-Mighty Pineapple", I can bring anything I want to life!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" (I bet you got REALLY tired of that)

"Arise, Trogdor the Burninator!"

"Attention all staff," a voice boomed through the school. "We have a problem with a...well, I don't know what it is, but we need you now! All prefects will lead the students to their respective houses."

"What the hell is going on?" Sirius asked. Remus shrugged.

"A mountain troll probably got into the school," James replied as they walked through the Fat Lady Portrait. Remus wasn't with them as he was leading the first years to the Common Room, with Lily.

After about 15 minutes, everybody settled down. Remus made his way over to the Marauders, an exasperated look on his face.

"What's wrong, Remmy?" Sirius asked. Remus didn't even protest against the nickname.

"Were. We. Really. That. Impatient. And. Horrible?!" Remus sighed, emphasizing every word.

"Wasn't Lily with you?" Peter asked, wondering what sort of troubles his fellow Marauder had to go through.

"NO!" Remus moaned, slumping into a chair. "She wasn't with me the whole damn time." Sirius and James were worried about that. Normally, Lily didn't miss any prefect duties. She even seemed.... Enthusiastic about her duties...

Thirty minutes passed and there was still no sign of Lily. "You thinking what I'm thinking?" James asked. Sirius grinned.

"Should we find Lily, while helping the teachers' at the same time?" Sirius asked, laughter in his eyes.

"Sure thing, mate!" James replied.

"I can't, I have to keep track of everyone and it's harder since Lily isn't here," Remus sighed in annoyance. "And I hope the stupid first years won't get in trouble..." he muttered under his breath.

"Sorry you couldn't come, Remmy," Sirius told him as the other three sneaked out of a passage when no-one was looking.

"And don't call me Remmy!" Remus shouted at them. The last thing they saw were the Common Room peoples giving him strange looks.

"What the hell is THAT?!" Sirius whispered, looking at the creature in front of him.

"I have no idea, mate," James whispered in awe.

In front of them, a big...lizard...stood in front of them. He had a snake like body, chicken legs, dot eyes the floated above the head with a in between them so they looked like this >:. He also has little bat wings on his back. On his back he had a buff arm that stood out against his slithery complexion. He basically was a cross between a basilisk, a human, bat, and...whatever creature has weird little dot eyes.

The teachers were in front of it, trying to stun it, but to no avail.

"WAHAHAHA!!!! YOU'LL NEVER DEFEAT TROGDOR THE BURNINATOR!!!" a familiar voice cackled viciously.

"Wait..." James knitted his eyebrows together. "I remember reading...That the all-mighty pineapple could bring stuff like this to life if it was totally random..."

"Do you seriously think that it exists? I question your sanity..." Sirius told him.

"I question yours more, Padfoot," James snapped back.

"Can you eat the all-mighty pineapple?" Peter asked innocently. James and Sirius turned to him, annoyed looks on their faces.

"Shut it," they replied at the same time, looking back at the scene.

All of the sudden, a figure dressed in red came out. She was wearing a red bodysuit, with red baggy pants, a red mask in the shape of a hawk head, and red flowing hair sprouting from the back.

"Do you really think you can defeat me, you pathetic teachers!"

'She's hot!' all the Marauders thought.

"James, do you have the map?" Sirius asked him.

"Why?"

"We get to find out who the hot masked captor is!"

"..."

"What is it?"

"...Remus has it..." James replied sheepishly. It took all of Sirius' strength to not yell at his friend.

"W-Who-What?!" Sirius whispered angrily.

"I have it," a voice behind them spoke. The two boys almost wet themselves when they heard the voice. They turned to look at the brown-headed Marauder, Remus.

"REMMY!" Sirius, almost shouted, but quickly lowered his voice again. "Lily came?"

"No, Lily's right there," Remus told them, pointing to the masked captor.

Sirius and James looked at the map, which showed Lily, and the masked captor. "No way! Lily's not THAT hot!" the two replied simultaneously.

"So, are we going to find this All-Mighty Pineapple or what?" Peter chirped.

"How do we even know that this All-Mighty Pineapple even exists?" Sirius asked.

"I've already said it! It brings stuff like...that thing...to life!" James sighed exasperatedly. "Look, so what are we going to do?"

"Lesse, stunning won't work, I don't think many spells work so...we find the pineapple?" Remus said.

"...."

"Well, it IS on the map," Remus pointed out to them. Indeed, on the yellow parchment, was a glowing dot with the words "All-Mighty Pineapple" on it.

"That's...in the girl's dormitory in our Common Room! Dun dun dun!" Sirius added as a little effect thingy....whatever you call it...

All of the sudden, they are in the fifth year girl's dormitory room.

"How'd we get here?" Peter asked. Remus shrugged.

"I don't know. Maybe you should ask the authoress, Yoru no Artemis, or just Artemis."

"We have an authoress?" Sirius asked incredulously.

"HEY, ARTEMIS! HOW'D WE GET HERE?!" James shouted into the air, where a girl with copper hair and brown eyes was floating, semi-transparent.

"AHHHHH!!!!!!!! I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SEE ME CONTROLLING YOUR PITIFUL LIVES!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

"Hold on a minute! YOU control our LIVES?!" Sirius asked her.

"Uh....yes?"

All of the sudden, Sirius bent down on one knee with puppy dog eyes.

"WILL YOU GET ME THE HOTTEST DATE TO THE DANCE?!"

"No, I'll make you go out with Snapey-kun! WAHAHAHAHA! I'm evil, I tell you, EVIL! NOW, GO FIND THE ALL-MIGHTY PINEAPPLE!! WAHAHAHAHA!"

All of the sudden, she disappeared.

"NOOOO!!!!!! I HAVE TO GO OUT WITH SNAPE!!!!!" Sirius cried out in despair.

"Yeah, yeah, come on, let's find it." James said.

"It's right there," Remus pointed to the fruit on one bed.

The All-Mighty Pineapple was big and...whatever color pineapples are with a golden aura around it.

"Oooooh....Aaaaaaah..." the Marauders wondered at it. All of the sudden, the door banged open.

"DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH THAT!" The masked captor bellowed.

"I don't think so, Lily!" Peter told her.

"What? I AM NOT LILY EVANS WHO LIKES JAMES POTTER! I AM THE MASKED CAPTOR!" The masked captor shouted.

James blinked. "She likes me...?" He then went red and into his own dreamland. Sirius smacked him up-side the head.

"NOT NOW, PRONGS! MOONY, GET THE PINEAPPLE AND DESTROY IT!!!"

All of the sudden, it was in slow motion like a movie. The masked captor and James reached for the pineapple at the same time.

Sirius then knocked the masked captor away just as she was going to grab the pineapple. "NOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

"Stupefy!" James shouted as he reached the pineapple. The spell hit the pineapple, then exploded into a million pieces.

The masked captor fainted, her clothes disappearing to reveal her normal school-uniform. It was Lily Evans. Her eyes fluttered before she opened her eyes.

"Wha-where am I?" she mumbled sleepily.

"The masked captor WAS Lily!" Peter exclaimed.

"Lily! WHAT THE BLOODY HELL WERE YOU DOING?! YOU ALMOST GOT THE TEACHERS KILLED!"

"What?"

"YOU HEARD ME!! AND-AND-AND YOU SAID YOU LIKED ME!"

"JAMES FIDLLE POTTER, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE BLOODY HELL YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT! I DID NOT ATTACK THE TEACHERS AND I DO NOT LIKE YOU!"

"WELL THEN WHO WAS THE HOT MASKED CAPTOR THAT USED THE ALL-MIGHTY PINEAPPLE TO MAKE THAT DRAGON COME BACK TO LIFE?!"

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS AN ALL-MIGHTY PINEAPPLE AND WHAT DRAGON CAME TO LIFE?!"

"YOU DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING?!"

"WHAT IS THERE TO REMEMBER?! AND WHY ARE YOU IN MY DORMITORY!!! OUT OUT OUT!!!!!!"

And it goes on and on and on... :p

"WAHAHAHA!!!! Now that I have the All-Mighty Zuucini, I will be the master of everything! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

And it never ends...does it