Fiction Contest > 'Dog Daze' by Debbie, MSTed by Robyn & Angie
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Note: The actual story appears, unedited, in bold text.

Dog Daze

Sirius: I have a bad feeling about this...

Remus: You should. You're the only one of us who is a dog.

James: Technically you're considered a canine, too, Moony. Unless I've gotten my species confused.

Remus: But I'm a wolf, not a dog. They're two different species of the canine family.

James: A mere technicality.

Sirius: Can we just get this over with?

By Debbie aka a girl with way too much time on her hands and a computer that unquestioningly follows her every command ( unless of course said machine doesn’t happen to be on, an event which could but probably won’t result in mass gopher suicides.)

Peter: Gopher...suicide?

James: I thought that only lemmings did stupid things like that.

Remus: Not even lemmings are that stupid.

Sirius: But I hear they're tasty with horseradish!

~-*-~

If anything was to be said to make up for Sirius’s actions it was that he needed the money. Desperately, as it happened.

Remus: Again?

Sirius: Since when have I needed money? Uncle Alphard left me a ton.

James: And it's not like we wouldn't spot you. Not on to leave a mate hanging, and all that.

Remus: You have the money to do it, Prongs.

James: Bwahahaha, I could buy and sell Padfoot nine times over!

Sirius: *blink blink*

James: Err, sorry. Slipped for a moment there.

For the past few weeks he, James and Remus had been in a battle of wits, namely making stupid bets with each other and alternatively losing and gaining the funds for further dares. Sirius had lost thrice in a row and was currently entirely broke.

Remus: I'm surprise he lost three times in a row.

Sirius: I'm more surprised that Prongs was in a battle of wits with you.

James: Are you saying I am not witty?

Remus: In a contest of wits, you are an unarmed man.

Sirius: Need I bring up any conversation you had with Evans?

James: You wound me so!

Peter: *sigh*

It wasn’t his fault, he reasoned, because of course Sirius hadn’t known that Remus was such a good juggler or that James spoke French so fluently. This was how he had come to accept the last dare from Remus when it had been offered.

Sirius: You juggle?

Remus: Nope.

James: Oh la la....a French speaker I am not.

Remus: That's me. *beams*

Sirius: *imagines Remus wooing scores of women with a sexy French accent* Bwahahahaha....

James: What's so funny?

Sirius: Moony....French accent.....so many girls....bwahahahahah

Remus: *sweatdrop*

Peter: Oh dear...

After all, how hard was it to be a dog for a day when the reward was thirty galleons?

Peter: That's it?

James: That's a crappy dare, Moony.

Remus: Do you realize how much trouble Padfoot would get into in a day?

James: I've been in the detentions

Sirius: I earned every one of those. *grins proudly*

-~*~-

Sirius: Ooooh, pretty flower thingy!

Sirius made his rambling way along the streets, stopping here or there to get a closer look at some interesting smell he happened to pick up. When he had first completed the animagus transformation it had shocked him how much more sensitive his nose had become, and even more so to discover this trait didn’t completely go away when he transformed back.

James: Ah, the infamous nose.

Sirius: Yeah, you'd be surprised how much you smell now that I have a more sensitive sniffer.

Peter: That must be why you started showering more often, too.

Sirius: Hey, I don't smell! ....do I? Moony?

Remus: Not to human noses.

James: You know, I've not noticed any grammar or spelling mistakes yet. I'm surprised.

No more had Sirius Black worn clothes that had gone unwashed for longer than three weeks, it was simply too distracting to walk around smelling like everything on the floor of his dorm, especially since only Merlin knew what on earth was under his bed anyways.

Sirius:THREE WEEKS?!

Sirius: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WOO THE LADIES IF I SMELL OF THREE WEEK OLD LAUNDRY?! *sniffles indignantly*

Remus: *laughing*

James: You always were pretty fastidious about your grooming. Probably your upbringing.

Sirius: Ugh.... Can we not go there tonight?

Peter: The author does have a point about under your bed. I've been down there. It's scary...

Sirius: If there's a cockroach, can we name him Sam?

James: We most certainly cannot. *shudders*

It was a nice day to be a dog, what with the sun shining down from its perch in the azure sky and everyone’s trash cans set out on the curbs to be collected by the garbage man. Not that Sirius had eaten anything out of them or anything like that, except of course that sandwich, but he just couldn’t help himself with that one, after all, who could resist baloney and pickles?

Sirius: Azuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure!

James: I'm surprised you focused on the word 'azure' instead of the fact that you're apparently eating out of the trash.

Sirius: Wha.....? HOLY HELL!

Remus: Not only that, but something with baloney on it.

Peter: Baloney isn't that bad. But baloney from the trash? Ick...

Sirius: So says the rat who ate cheese he found under my bed.

Peter: You swore you wouldn't tell!

Remus: That's disgusting.

James: Yeah, baloney and pickles? Ew...

All: *sigh*

He was just wondering if that combination was just a dog thing or if he had genuinely as a person, when the dog catcher came up behind him, noted his bare neck and clapped a leash around it, to lead him the van that would take him to the pound. Poor Sirius didn’t even see him coming until it was too late.

James: Bwahahahahahaha!

Remus: *falls over laughing*

Sirius: I wouldn't laugh so hard, He-Who-Is-Whipped!

James: Ha, I'd gladly follow Lily about. It was completely voluntary,

Sirius: Oh, how love humbles a man...

Peter: As does a dog leash apparently.

Remus: A leash would humble any living creature.

James: So would a tranquilizer dart.

~*~

James: Oooh, another flowery thingamajig....

“Lia, come look at this guy! Found ‘im wandering round Lowcaster road.” Lia Smith looked up from her work at the animal shelter, and smiled at the large shaggy black Newfoundland looking back at her.

James: Look, it's Mary Sue! Everyone say hi to Mary!

Sirius: Hi Mary!

Peter: That's a lot of adjectives for one dog, even a big one like you.

Remus: Maybe it's because the author wanted to be as specific as possible?

Sirius: Yes, because there's a lot of large black shaggy dogs running about without leashes...

She noted with a little disappointment that he was too well-groomed to be a stray, and probably had an owner looking for him.

“Poor puppy,” she said stroking his dark head “you get lost, babe?”

Sirius: SEE? Someone thinks that I'm well-groomed!

Remus: Well, you are with all the time you spend preening.

James: *sings* Babe! I got you, babe!

Peter: *cocks an eyebrow* Where's Cher?

Sirius: Cher?

James: Muggle singer. Ask Lils later.

Remus: She's probably getting more plastic surgery, Pete.

Peter: *grins*

“Don’t talk to them like that.” said Alan, handing Lia Sirius’s leash “You’ll scare ‘em. Besides this guy’s huge, might be over a hundred pounds.”

Lia tucked a strand of short brown hair behind her ear “Dogs like to be talked to like that, Al.” she said “It’s all about tone; he could care less what I say if I have good intonation.”

James: *in a sing-songy voice* Who's my good boy! Yes you are! Oh yes you are!

Sirius: That's just degrading.

Remus: *laughs* Of course.

Peter: I never understood why girls did that to animals...

Sirius: And can we not talk about my weight? I'm rather sensitive about it.

Peter: So says Mr. Tall, Dark and Muscular.

Sirius: I am not muscular. I am toned.

Remus: Whatever.

Sirius: *grins* You know you loved my toned physique, Moony. *waggles eyebrows*

James: *snickers*

Remus: *rolls eyes* You're an idiot.

Sirius: But say the word and I'll be your idiot! *grins*

“Whatever.” said Alan, turning to leave “Just don’t ever do that to me, okay?” he went out the door and back to his truck.

Lia lead the dog around to the back of the pound where the cages were, she had been working at the shelter for three years and still hated to see all the poor animals without homes.

Sirius: Nooooooo, Padfoot cannot be contained!

Remus: At least, not by Muggles.

James: We should look into a cage.

Peter: I thought we tried that sixth year. Didn't work so well.

James: Right, that's the time he hexed my underwear to whistle when I walked in revenge, right?

Sirius: Never cage a wild dog. *grins*

Remus: So you are a dog.

Sirius: And you're a werewolf. I think we've covered this territory already, Moony. *smirks*

Of course with the “No Pets” rule at her apartment she hadn’t adopted any herself yet. Although she had taken a liking to this new dog, he was the most adorable, drooly ball of fur she had ever met. And his eyes, she felt almost silly thinking it, but they held such intelligence they were almost human.

Remus: Padfoot is actually intelligent for a dog.

James: So I take it he fell asleep if he's drooling again.

Sirius: I. Do. Not. DROOL!

Peter: Your pillows would attest otherwise.

Sirius: And I am human, thanks. Repeat after me, Mary. Animagus. A-Ni-Mah-Gus!

“You’re okay now, big guy” she told him opening an empty cage “I know it looks dirty in there, but the food is free.

Peter: Looks like under your bed, padfoot.

Sirius: i'm sure you'll be right at home then, Wormtail.

Remus: Nothing wrong with free food.

James: Definitely not. Unless it's dog food. Then that's not food at all.

And, hey, a great doggie like you is bound to have a family, huh? Yes, you do, don’t you little puppy-wuppy face!” The dog gave her what might have been a look of puzzled disgust.

Sirius: Puppy...

James: ...wuppy?

Peter: I second the look of puzzled disgust.

~-*-~

Peter: I wonder if weedkiller will work on these things...

Sirius was sending mental pleas to the woman who had escorted him to the cage, begging her to leave so he could transform back and get out of the pound. Somehow it seemed she wasn’t receiving them, people never did. She continued talking to him for a few minutes and then went away briefly and came back with a bowl of food that looked like crap but smelled like heaven, to his doggie nose at least.

James: Eeeew, it is dog food.

Sirius: You're the one that licks salt off of rocks.

James: .....

Remus: *laughs*

Sirius: Maybe eating it will give me food poisoning and I won't have to listen to this woman anymore because I am passed out.

Sirius decided as he was eating to hurt Remus in one or more ways when he got out. This whole stupid mess was entirely his fault.

Remus: So you're blaming me for stuff now?

James: How the hell is this Moony's fault again?

Sirius: He dared me to be a dog for a day! Remember?

Remus: You didn't have to accept the dare.

Sirius: Do you honestly think I wouldn't?

James: That's probably why he dared you in the first place.

He lay on the floor for what seemed an eternity, the dogs in the cages on either side of him stared at him blankly, and Sirius almost wished they would talk to him, but most canines he’d met weren’t great conversationalists anyways. He settled for listening to the voices from the front room.

James: Like you're one to talk about great conversation.

Peter: I rather liked the discussion of the many uses of Snape's hair. Very informative.

Remus: As well as discussions of the many ways to create mayhem with Snape's hair.

Sirius: See, I'm educational, too!

Remus: Only some of the time.

“Yes, I was here last Thursday about adopting a dog? I have all the forms filled out and everything.” said a man’s voice.

James: This doesn't bode well....

Sirius: No, it doesn't bode at all.

James: You can't bode. That's not how that word works...

Remus: *rolling eyes* Enough.

“Oh, yes, do you have a particular dog in mind?” said Lia Smith, in a much different tone than she had used with Sirius.

James: Yes, because you need a special tone when talking to Padfoot.

Peter: Slow and over-enunciated?

Sirius: No, that's you, Wormtail. *sticks out tongue*

Remus: I thought you had to talk to Padfoot in a stern tone in order to get him to behave.

Sirius: I'm not ACTUALLY a dog, you know.

Remus: But you are in dog form at this point.

Sirius: Argh...

“No, actually I was hoping to find one today for my son, it’s his birthday, see, he’s four today and he’s been asking for a dog for a while now. So..”

Peter: HAHA. A four year old would ride you like a pony.

James: Must...resist....obvious....joke!

Remus: A four year old would pull on Padfoot's ears and tail.

Sirius: Nooooooooooo!

“Alright, well everything’s in order so follow me this way, sir.”

James: *as a tour guide* And we're walking, we're walking....

Peter: Doomed Padfoot Walking?

Sirius: Actually, I think I'm sitting or something in the back room.

Remus: For now.

Sirius saw the pair emerge around the corner and the man, who was a thin and of middle age, came slowly down the rows of dogs reading their descriptions on the cards posted near the top corners of the cages. He looked in a long time on a gray mutt who obviously had a few fleas before looking in at Sirius.

Sirius: He looked *in* a long time?

Remus: And he looks at the mutt with fleas before Padfoot. That says something.

Sirius: You know, I'm slightly insulted by that...

“This one” he observed, pointing to Sirius “Doesn’t have a card. Is he for adoption?”

Sirius: Nooooooooo.

James: Yeah, you don't want him, Mr. Thin-and-Middle-Aged. You want the flea-ridden mutt for your four year old.

Remus: Padfoot will cause much panic and mayhem before he runs away.

Sirius: So would you!

‘NO!’ thought Sirius frantically ‘For Merlin’s sake I am not up for adoption! You don’t want me!’

Sirius: See! Fic-me agrees with me!

Remus: I hope that never happens again.

Sirius: But Prongs agrees with me sometimes and that doesn't freak you out. Too much...

“Oh, him” said Lia “he just came in this morning, we think he might have had an owner, but as he doesn’t have a collar I guess he’s as good as the next dog all things considered. Unless his real owner brings in proof that he’s theirs in which case you are obligated to return him to them.”

James: Good as the next dog? I would say that Padfoot is a bit better than your average mutt.

Sirius: *beams* Thanks, Prongs!

Remus: He's more intelligent than the average mutt.

Sirius: Well, of course. I'm not a mutt. I'm a human.

James: Well, the jury's still out on that, but the point is taken.

“Yes,” said the man “Of course. He looks like a purebred Newfoundland, great dogs those.”

Sirius let out a small snort, even outside the wizarding world it was all about breeding.

Sirius: Breeding? It's garbage like that talk that made me leave home.

James: Breeding's overrated. ...err, not the act, per se, but the ..um... the tracing of pedigree.

Remus: But for some reason, it's a big thing with muggles and their dogs.

Peter: They breed with their dogs?

James: *stunned* Um, Pete....

Remus: *sigh* They breed their dogs with other dogs. For some reason 'purebred' dogs are considered better.

Peter: I...um, I know that. It was a joke. *smiles nervously*

“Good with children, they’re supposed to be very gentle.” said Lia nodding “He’d be good with your son, I’m sure.”

James: Good with children? Well, you always made an interesting babysitter for harry.

Sirius: When he wasn't puking on my robes.

James: He was a baby, that's what they do.

Remus: And he didn't puke on your robes all the time.

Within fifteen minutes Sirius was riding in the back of a car he hadn’t wanted to get into, staring at the trees going past his window and wondering, not for the first time that day, what he had gotten himself into.

Peter: You must think that a lot.

James: Actually, I think Moony thinks that more often than Padfoot, and probably because of something Padfoot did.

Remus: I think that because of what the rest of you do.

Sirius: But Mooooooony! *pouts*

-~*~-

Peter: Yay! Flowery thing!

Remus: Let's say good-bye to the flowery thing now.

James & Sirius: Bye-bye flowery thing!

Sirius had not had any kind of idea what he had really gotten himself into, he had long ago established with himself, after running into small children on previous escapades to Hogsmede that they and he were not a good combination. He’d had his tail pulled several times, there was something that might have once been ice cream on his ear, and if the kid said “fetch” one more time he was not going to get the stupid red ball. This was not worth even thirty galleons.

Sirius: BAH! No pulling on the tail!

James: Yeah, Harry did that, too. *evil grin*

Remus: Didn't Harry do everything except drop food on him?

Sirius: He threw some food at me once.

After what seemed like forever the sky started to grow dark and the little boy went inside with his father’s assurances that “Blackie” as he had ironically been christened, wouldn’t be able to get over the fence and would still be there in the morning.

Sirius: That's what *he* thinks....

Remus: That is going to be one disappointed little boy in the morning.

Sirius: Again, your fault.

James: *sigh*

Sirius doubted it, but honestly he wasn’t about to let anyone else know that. As soon as he was sure it was safe he crept over to the fence, which was tall white and rather imposing. If he transformed back he could definitely get over it easily, but even in his current situation Sirius Black was not one to easily give up on something, especially when it meant there was money in it for him.

James: Since when did you care about money?

Sirius: I care more about proving I can do something than the money.

Remus: I think he cared about money after he ran away from his awful family.

Sirius: Uncle Alphard kind of took care of that for me.

It took three crash landings and a final flying leap but he eventually found himself sprawled on the sidewalk on the other side of the fence.

James: BWAHAHHA!

Peter: That must have been a sight.

Remus: No fences can contain Padfoot!

James: At least not forever.

He walked once more along the streets, this time keeping a more careful lookout, but no dog catchers approached him this time. By the time he was back outside the building where Remus’s apartment was it was the middle of the night and Sirius found he was favoring his left leg, the other having been hurt in his fence jumping attempts.

Sirius: Ooooouch.

James: Yeah, that's got to sting.

Remus: But it will heal.

Sirius: Padfoot is FREEEEEEEE!

-~*~-

Remus Lupin sat at his desk reading, it wasn’t often that he stayed up late outside a full moon, but tonight he found himself caught up in a novel and didn’t want to sleep until the last page had been turned. He settled back in his chair enjoying the familiar sensation of being caught up in a world printed on paper when his doorbell rang. Reluctantly setting down the book he stood and opened the door.

James: Wait a tick. I thought we were in Hogwarts still....

Remus: Don't wonder. You'll hurt your brain.

Sirius: Wow, you usually tell me that.

“Hello Sirius.” he said, slightly surprised to see his friend here so late. “ How was being a dog for a day?”

Sirius: I KEEEEEEEEELL you now.

James: Ha ha.

Remus: Kill my fic-self. Not me.

Sirius: Yes, yes, not YOU.

Sirius pushed past him and silently went into the kitchen to search through the contents of the refrigerator.

James: Are you two living together, or is Padfoot being rude again? *grins*

Sirius: Prongs...... *glares*

Remus: *glares*

James: Ha ha, that one was for Lily. *grins*

“Have I mentioned lately that I hate the dog pound?” he said.

Remus: I think you've mentioned it once or twice.

Sirius: I feel the need to reiterate my distaste.

The End…

Sirius: Dot dot dot? No dot dot dot! The End! PERIOD!

Remus: Please, END THIS!

James: You know, it actually is the end.

Sirius: Oh. Alright then. What's for lunch?

Remus: I don't know, but I'd rather find out than stay around here.