Tales > The Marauders Grooming Society: The MST

Angie: So my brother wrote us a fic.

Robyn: But We enjoyed it so much that we decided to MST it.

Angie: Standard disclaimers apply.

Robyn: Let the fun begin! *evil grin*

[The actual story is unedited, and in bold for easier reading.]

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

Sirius: Yeah, I think James and Lily have a monopoly on him. *evil grin*
James: PADFOOT..... *red*
Lily: *giggles*

At least not until I perfect my mind control skills and have J. K. Rowlings sign all the legal rights over to me.

Angie: I've been around this author since he was born, and I KNOW for a fact that he has no mind control skills. >P
Robyn: Doesn't JKR spell her last name Rowling? It's not plural...

The Marauders Grooming Society

Lily: Well, we do have some animals in need of grooming.
Sirius: I'm very well groomed, thank you very much!
James: That gives me really weird images, Lils. Don't say that.

By Talented Fanatic Supreme Benevolent Dictator of the World, Warchief of the Legion, His Excellency

James: High opinion of himself, huh?
Sirius: His ego's even bigger than mine!
Remus: And that's saying something!
Sirius: Hey!

Marquis James

Sirius: Prongs! I didn't know you were a marquis, whatever that is!
Lily: I think it's French.
James: No, I'm not. This isn't me.

the Invincible Protector

Lily: Of what?
Sirius: If it was Prongs, it'd be you, Lils. *grins*
Lily: *blushes*
James: *smacks Sirius upside the head*

“Hey everybody!” yelled Sirius Black, cutting through the din of the Gryffindor common room. “We’re offering haircuts to anyone who wants one. Just tell us what you want. The haircuts are free. We just want to help everybody out.

Lily: Yeah, that will get everyone to volunteer RIGHT AWAY.
Sirius: You act as if we were plotting something all the time.
Lily: You aren't?
Sirius: Not ALL the time, no. Have to sleep and eat.
James: You plot over meals.
Remus: And I think you even plot in your sleep. Either than, or that active imagination of yours was thinking about other subjects... *glances significantly at Robyn*
Robyn: Don't go there, Remmy.
Sirius: *red*

Come and let the Marauders Grooming Society make you look better.”

James: I don't like where this is going...

Sirius’s words were met by the heavy laughter of the entire Gryffindor population of Hogwarts, including the other Marauders, who were snickering behind him. But, Sirius could not be dismayed.

Remus: He hardly ever is.
Sirius: That just means I'm determined.
Lily: You mean stubborn?
Remus: Pigheaded?
Lily: Obstinate?
Remus: *grins* Dogged.
Lily: Ornery!
Remus: Recalcitrant!
Sirius: ENOUGH!

“OK! You don’t trust us. But you will when you see what a good job we do on our good friend James’s hair.

James: I REALLY don't like where this is going!

Isn’t that right, James? C’mon gather around as we tame the untameable. Then you can get your hair tamed.“

James: IT. GROWS. THAT. WAY! ><
Angie: Like this author should talk...*snickers*
Sirius: Look Prongs, someone feels your pain!
James: *grumbles*

James gave a hurt look towards Sirius, but he had no choice and had to let Sirius work on his hair.

Angie: I wouldn't trust Padfoot with my hair under ANY circumstances!
Remus: I second that.
Lily: What? Is he insane?
Robyn: Watch it Lils, that's YOUR boyfriend, remember?

He walked to the center of the common room and sat down in the chair. Remus put a blanket over him and Peter brought Sirius his supplies from the dormitory.

James: Dare I ask what sort of "supplies" we're talking about?
Remus: Who would give up their blanket for THIS?
Sirius: ....we could have stolen Snape's...
Remus: And go into the snake's den? NO WAY!
Sirius: Guess we could always use yours, Moony....
James: Why not use Peter's? He's got an extra one anyway.
Sirius: *snorts* Yeah, Mr. Blankie. I almost forgot.

“Yes, Folks, it is the top of the line muggle hair-cut equipment. Clippers, scissors, and lotion.”

Lily: Aren't clippers and scissors the same thing?
Angie: And no one uses lotion to cut anyone's hair.
Robyn: Where did he get this stuff, anyway? Padfoot doesn't have the time to preen in front of the mirror with all the pranking he does! *grins* Besides, he already looks good. ^^
Angie: and why doesn't he have a spray bottle of water?
Sirius: I think we're reading way too much into this.

Sirius began by lotioning up James’s hair.

James: @_@
Lily: Not going there.
Angie: YOU DON'T USE LOTION FOR THAT!!!!!!!
Sirius: That being what, Angie? :D
Remus: I have never heard of any muggle hair stylists using lotion in someone's hair...

Once James’s hair was lotioned up, Sirius took out his clippers and started trimming James’s hair. Locks of hair fell on the floor as James’s hair lost mass.

Sirius: Until he was completely bald! >D
James: *glares*
Angie: Did he give Prongs a 5-second haircut or something?
Robyn: *shrugs* Beats me...

Trim, Trim, Trim. Clip, Clip, Clip.

Angie: I think my brother learned new words.

Sirius made pass after pass,

James: Sounds like Padfoot. Pass after pass at the girls.
Remus: *chuckles* So true..
Sirius: *glares* I do not.

and soon it was time to bring out the scissors for the fine detailed work. Comb and Snip, Comb and Snip.

Robyn: More new words! *_*
Angie: Yeah! *_*
Lily: I'm so proud, aren't you Angie?
Angie: My brother's actually learning! *_*
Remus: He must be dumber than Padfoot...
Sirius: Ha ha ha. :P

Soon, James’s hair was completely done. Remus pulled off the blanket and James stood up.

Lily: Let's not go there....well, actually, can we go there? *evil grin*
James: And here I thought you girls were Padfoot/Moony shippers.
Sirius: *glares* NO.
Remus: NEVER. MENTION. THAT!
Robyn: *grins*
Angie: *giggles*

The Gryffindors looked in awe as James’s hair had gone from an untameable mass to an elegant refined style. The Gryffindors were jealous of his hair, and wanted to get their hair done as well by Sirius.

Angie: How can a 5-second haircut be called "elegant"?
Sirius: More to the point, how did I do that to his hair?
James: Ha ha ha. :P

"One at a time, One at a time. Okay You,” he said pointing. “You’re first.”

Remus: Probably a girl, too.
Sirius: Moony.... *glares*
Lily: Not Robyn, though. She knows him too well.
Angie: And this rules me out since I'm a Ravenclaw and therefore not involved in this debacle.

Time passed…

Boys: *deadpan* Yay....
Angie: *waves little flag*

“Anybody else?” Sirius asked.

Remus: NO!
James: Let poor Robyn have a go! *evil grin*
Sirius & Robyn: Prongs! *tackle James to the ground, smacking him with pillows*
Angie: *laughing*

No one answered.

Robyn: Big shock there. :D
Angie: I'm not surprised. :D

“Okay then” Sirius said. He went towards Peter

Sirius: ...in order to hex him into oblivion!
Angie: The rat gets it!

to put his supplies away while Remus cleaned up the hair on the floor with a little piece of magic.

Lily: That was nice of you.
Remus: We can't have people slipping on hair.
James: It's not like it's Snape's hair. Mine's at least clean!

Peter was standing by the fat lady portrait, and Sirius had to walk all the way across the common room to get there.

Angie: DUH!
Sirius: No, I riverdanced all the way there. Of course I walked! ><
Remus: Now THAT I would pay to see.
Sirius: There isn't enough money in the world, Moony.

Once he put his supplies away, Sirius took out his wand. At the top of his voice he shouted,

Angie: How else do you shout?
James: *as Sirius* I HAVE A LOVELY BUNCH OF COCONUTS!
Sirius: I wouldn't shout that.
James: *grins* We could fix that.
Angie: *grins* May I?
Sirius: No. :P
Angie: Wait, that's Robyn's job. :P
Robyn: *blinks* What's my job? *thinks* Unless you meant shouting "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts"?
Sirius: You do.... *realizes what he said and goes a deep shade of red*
Others: *snicker*

“Blumen Sproutus!”

James: That.....was unexpected.
Angie: That's German!
Robyn: Translation, onegai?
Angie: Blumen is German for flowers!
Robyn: It's a bloomin' plant! *dies laughing*

Then, he was out the entryway and running down the steps of Hogwarts.

James: What did you do this time Padfoot?
Remus: Why does everyone want to kill you now?

Sirius’s victims looked at each other, and saw flowers sprouting out of the heads of everybody who had had their hair cut, including James.

Angie: Uh...if everybody had flowers sprouting out their head of COURSE it would include Prongs! DUH!
James: I have flowers coming out of my hair now? That's just dandy....
All: *groan at the horrible pun*

“I’m gonna kill you Black!” James shouted as he led a charge after Sirius.

James: I wouldn't shout his last name. I'd yell something more creative. I'm not a silmeball, you know.
Remus: But if Prongs did that we would lose our best prankster.
Sirius: *beams*
James: *rolls eyes* I guess it would be a bad idea. And besides, it would make Snape happy.

“You’ll have to catch me first, Flower Girl!” Sirius answered from a flight down.

Angie: That's a sure way to die young.
Lily: I'm chasing him now?
James: Ha ha, I think the author means me.

But Sirius was not nearly as fast as the Hogwarts star seeker, and James Potter was gaining.

James: I'm a bloody CHASER. *sigh*
Angie: Methinks my brother needs to read the books again.

The crowd of Sirius’s victims were still chasing Sirius when they reached the floors of Hogwarts where other students were. Ravenclaws were shaking their heads, Hufflepuffs looked astounded.

Remus: It doesn't take much to astound the Hufflepuffs.
Sirius: And the Ravenclaws are shaking their heads at me, as they always do.
Angie: Not all Ravenclaws....I'd be rolling on the floor almost dying of laughter.

A group of Slytherins had to wait for the enraged victims to dash by. At first they stared, but then they began laughing uproariously.

Sirius: They laugh now. Wait until they have red and gold tinking hair. *evil grin*
Remus: How about we steal that flower stuff and replace their shampoo with it?
Robyn: You mean use it, as Padfoot seems to already have it?
Angie: I don't think Padfoot could have used the entire bottle...
James: You never know with him......

Only one of the Slytherins was not laughing.

Sirius: Because I hexed his mouth off! *_*
Remus: Because we put a silencing charm on him earlier! *_*
James: Because he has a Bludger stuck in his big fat mouth?

He was named James, and he was the star of Slytherin.

James: Look at that, I have an evil twin. :P
Angie: Look at that, Malfoy couldn't buy his way there.
Robyn: Oooh, hello Mr. Mary-Sue! >D
Angie: Wouldn't that be a John Doe?

Even better than Severus of Lucius.

Robyn: Nah, he's too effeminite...
Lily: Severus OF Lucius?
Angie: Ewwwww.....
James: BAD. MENTAL. IMAGE!
Remus: BEYOND. BAD. MENTAL. IMAGE!
Sirius: It's like Malfoy spawned or something... ><

The Marauders referred to him as The Evil James.

Lily: And of course it's "The" instead of "the".
Angie: >_<
Robyn: Kind of like how it's THE George Washington University. >.>
Angie: And of course it's to satisfy his impossibly large ego.
Robyn: *grins* That, too.

Now, The Evil James watched with disinterest as he spoke.

Sirius: It SPEAKS!
James: IT LIVES! MY CREATION LIVES!
Lily: No more muggle TV for you....
Remus: How could he NOT be interested in what just happened?
Robyn: Brain dead?

“I hope Black lives, he still owes me ten galleons for that lotion…”

Sirius: HA! I could have made the lotion myself. In fact, I think I will later. Snape needs a shampoo.
James: Use your dragonhide gloves, though.
Robyn: Like he'd want to touch THAT.
Remus: What a rip-off...

The End
Robyn: And there was much rejoicing.
Boys: Yay.....
Angie: *little flags wave* YAY!

Robyn: That was fun!

Angie: Yes. Yes it was. >D